MISCONCEPTIONS : The Adventures of palmer

"you must be very stupid" Sean spat at me

 "i am so sorry baby i didn't mean to  hurt you in this manner" i cried


"sorry, that's all you have to say? please get out of my house i don't want to ever see you again" Sean pushed me out with his baby in my womb

I cried as Sean pushed me out of his house for something we both had a hand in. You want to know what happened?  listen:

 My name is Palmer and i have always been a victim of sexual abuse... i was molested by a family friend who was like an uncle at 4, and the first time it happened, i didn't like it. Consecutively, i began to like it and when i turned 12, i just couldn't stop. We never had penetration, but he did everything thinkable and beyond, he went as far as practicing BDSM on me!.  My uncle at the time was very protective so he made sure i never shared the young body of mine with anyone else. What he never knew was that, i wasn't even willing to allow anyone else touch me besides him because i had grown to love him. This continued till i turned 16 and i moved back to my family house in Warri; talk of taking a child from frying pan  to fire. The first night i got home, i heard terrifying noises from our courtyard and as my father tried to open the door, we were faced with three heavily armed men they had come to rob my family.
"where is the money you brought home with you" one of the robbers asked my father fiercely

"There's no money in this house..." i came to realize my father lied that day

"i said where is the money?"  another man shouted on top of his voice.

My Aunt and I were the only girls at home; my younger sister was in boarding school and my mother had traveled to the village with my other siblings; my young aunt laid flat on the floor.
The robbers went inside the house with my dad, ransacked every nook and cranny and came out with the sum of N 50,000... they  fumed at the sight of the money.

"so this is the only money in this house?"

my father answered "yes..."shivering

"okay now...we go rape this your pikin in turns..."

my aunt gasped.. and pleaded "please do it to me instead"

"we go do you too..." another laughed mischievously

The first one hopped on my aunt but bounced off as soon as she realized she was on her monthly flow. He screamed "chaiiii... you want make our jazz fail?"

For that falsity, i was raped by 3 men who took 2 turns each on me! By the time they were done, i lied down Lifeless! life didn't mean a thing to me; all that mattered was that, i was an object; an item of ridicule, a dirt and a common girl.

My father pleaded that we leave the rape story asides and not talk to my mother about it. We all agreed. I wasn't going to tell anyone anyway i was now the young girl who barely spoke up. As fate would have it; i grew up with wonderful feminine features and every man wanted to be with me and i turned every one of them away. This was not because i didn't find them good enough, it was because i felt too dirty to be with anyone- i wasn't good enough for anybody....or so i thought

The hatred for my father surpassed the love i had for any one. I didn't love anyone enough to make them happy, so i lived life alone. By the time i turned 19, that incident had become stale, every one had forgotten about it. My aunt was done with basic nursing, she had moved to the US, my dad was carefree; as far as the money for his contract wasn't stolen that night, he cared less how i camouflaged.  

As i walked through the streets of Ugborikoko in Warri one sunny afternoon, i had just gotten back from Jamb lectures - I was preparing for jamb but i knew i was never going to school even if i did secure the admission. The poverty we were in as a result of my father's uncaring attitude was worse than that of a church rat.
I heard a young man whistle  i didn't bother turning...whistling at me had become  a norm so i didn't care. Next day, i went to a family friend's house and i met a young man by their well ( I soon found out it was the same guy who whistled at me the previous day)

"hi"... he greeted

i kept mute

"You should speak sometimes, it'll help you"

"speak, to whom?".. i spat

"well, i observed you don't talk to anyone; you just go about your daily routine"

"that's how it should be!" i spat yet again

"my name is Sean...."

"okay bye" i walked away

As the months rolled by,  Sean became a part of me. I fell in love with him, we did everything together besides the sex.....he was patient, caring, loving and anything you could think of. I couldn't bring myself to telling him about the rape. I was too scared to; so i bottled up all that pain and hate. Even though Sean had his suspicions, he never made them a topic for deliberation. The love i didn't get from anyone, i got from him. Sean was a listener he'd listen to every thing i had to say. The new Joy i had found, soon began to radiate and everyone around, could feel my gaiety- even my mother.

"i passed my jamb exams but i don't think i'll be going to school"... i was really sad

"wait, why didn't you tell me earlier?" Sean asked

"i just don't know..." i burst out crying "this is the third time. I can't go to school yet, because i have to ensure some of my siblings also stay in school"

"don't worry next time you write it, i'll ensure you make it to school" he consoled.

Another one year at home, i worked hard and made sure i saved enough while i supported my mother. The next exam came and as usual i aced it. Sean helped me pay some of the fees required while i completed the rest dues with the money i had saved from odd jobs. For the first time, i objectified my self. I wanted to pay Sean back for the patience and love he had shown me, so, i slept with him. For the first time in my life, i wasn't raped or molested it was a willing sacrifice and i enjoyed every bit of it.


I resumed school activities but my joy was soon short lived. I didn't know what is was like to be pregnant so i didn't notice in time that i was far gone...i had been sick and my pregnancy news was broken to me at the hospital bed.
I called Sean and told him about it. The sweet loving man i knew changed, he went berserk on me i went to his house to beg, but he refused seeing me... "i don't want to ever see you in my house again" he spat

Those words were cold...very cold. Here was i at 20, pregnant and the man refused to claim responsibility. I had been  to his mother's to reveal everything but she told me, we were classless  "go remove that thing, that bastard" she hissed.

My mother, oh my darling mother, who didn't know her daughter was broken took her to the hospital to flush out the abomination called  a seed of love. The abortion was done partly because, our poverty state didn't need an addition and because my mother didn't want to see me broken. I became shattered, an empty soul who walked around. At this point, i decided i was going to be rich! So rich the world  would hear of it. Love didn't conquer my pain, money would! i did everything legitimate any one could do and by the time i was graduating, i was a millionaire, a business tycoon and i had successfully seen 2 of my siblings through school.

 I soon found  a job after graduation , but the salary didn't matter i was already rich. At 26, i could boast of  N 4 million in my savings, made a few friends, got my self a psychologist and  pushed my sadness aside to wear the mask of happiness.

Trouble resurfaced two years after graduation, i lost everything! my money, my joy and all. You may ask how?- I invested wrongly ;I had given all my money to a friend to sort out some business failure and everything i had worked for over the years varnished in one day. How do i start all over again, it took me years to get this far, my money was my security and pride. Love had failed me, now my money had also failed me. Where do i turn to?

"it's Shiloh 2016!!!" my colleague screamed at me as i walked into the office.

"I'm inviting you for my church program"

"oh okay" i replied bluntly

 I wasn't too sure i wanted to depend on someone who had never looked out for me. I mean, where was he when i was being molested, when i was gang raped, jilted and hurt by others i cared for? where was he when my money disappeared? because i wasn't ready to argue, i nodded in agreement.

"okay I'll pick you up on the first day"

"alright" i whispered.

I sat down at the front pew, oblivious of what was happening; i was a regular church goer but all that made me happy was because i had money and could pay my tithe frequently. Right now, i didn't know if God would love me for not paying my tithe.

Every one who came around me, did it for what they stood to gain. For the men, it was my body; but my experience had taught me to be disciplined. For most of my friends, it was the help i could render. It was a 5 days program  and on the fifth day, i soon found out that all i needed was Him... not the love from my father, mother, siblings or the man i was with at the moment, but of him... my maker.

I left church a changed woman, one who couldn't be pushed down by her past. Yes! i was molested, gang raped, forced to do an abortion and maybe the present man i was with didn't appreciate me that much, but i soon realized, i had someone who was always on the lookout for me.
Love didn't conquer my pain, money did;- for a moment. Money couldn't conquer my pain, God did!

I have since forgiven my father, i mean, he is at the point of death. Besides, he explained that the money meant so much to him back then, he couldn't bear himself  loosing that much and he never thought the armed men would do the deed. Insensitive? judge him at your own risk

My mother is my rock, we have since moved from being poor to being average or let's say.....middle class; my siblings turned out greater than i imagined.
My ex wants me back to be married to him (but i can't) i have a love life.

 Am i satisfied? Yes! not because i have money or a lover who barely thinks of me( i really used to get bothered about his nonchalant  attitude, but lately, i noticed i love God more than i love him) or my family, but because i have God. God has healed me and he is still healing me. I embraced God, and he gave me all i needed.

My name is Palmer and i am a victim who turned out to be a victor.


PS :This is based on a true life story, names and places were changed as instructed by the victim now victor and I was given a go ahead, to write about it.